20

As I type, I am in my final minutes of being a teenager; at midnight I will officially become 20 years old. I have had many, many mixed emotions about this milestone in my life. I feel a sense of maturity, not having to include the word 'teen' in my age. I have also been agonizing and tormenting myself over this mark of "growing up." I have officially hit the point where I am including in the "20's," all magazine articles about wrinkles are not directed at me. A lot is going to happen in my 20's; people get married in their 20's, you graduate college, you find a real job, you start paying your own bills, and people even have babies in their 20's. All of this is extremely horrifying to me. Growing up scares me. Uncertainty of life scares me, not knowing what is going to happen to me and in my life. It makes me sad to think of how different this birthday will be from all the others. You're too old for all those cute surprises, you aren't legally able to drink (even though you should be,) It's not a big birthday, like 18 or 21, it's just another birthday that makes you one year older. I know on this birthday, one of my best childhood friends wont call me at midnight on the done, the way he has for about 10 years. I won't be getting together with my high school girlfriends at our favorite Mexican restaurant, there will be no romantic birthday dinner with a boyfriend, and my best friend from high school probably won't even call/text me to say Happy Birthday. All of these things are sad, but they are all apart of birthdays and growing up.

An amazingly great friend of mine came to visit me tonight. While for the past 4 years I have been secretly in love with him, hoping we would someone get back together, we have continued to be very close friends. He knows me better than most and gave me some series insight tonight. He made me realize that I live through my past. I am always comparing things to things I used to have. I am always wondering why things cant be the way they were. I always miss ex boyfriends when I shouldn't. Who cares if my old friends won't wish me happy birthday, I have new friends that will. Instead of dwelling on those who don't call, I need to be thankful for those who will. Instead of crying over an ex boyfriend who has moved on, I need to be focusing on my next boyfriend. He made me realize that I shouldn't be looking at this birthday in fear and agony, I should be excited about what lies ahead. I am growing up and great things are going to come my way. Its time to move on, forget the past. I need to let go and move forward and start creating my new life at my new age.

As I finish writing this, I am 20 years old. I am officially part of the 20's crowd and I am fabulous. I have learned from my past and I look back on it and smile. I remember good times had, but look forward to greater times to come. I remember best friends but am thankful for better friends. I remember old loves, but look forward to deeper love. I remember my teenage years, but look into my adult years with excitement. I am 20, I am fabulous, and I am moving on.