Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Real World: South

May brings my favorite time of the year: wedding season. (No, I am not getting married, keep reading.) But  May also brings another season, graduation season. It is the time of year people are packing up and moving on with their lives. I normally don't really care about graduation season, but this year is a little different.

This May, my baby brother will graduate high school. First of all, in my eyes he is still 12 so I am confused as to why he is graduating? But, realistically speaking, he is actually 17 and he is graduating and going to  very fine southern university in the fall. This scares the heck out of me. He is my baby brother and in a few weeks, I will see him graduate high school. I will probably cry more than my mom. He is insanely talented and I just wish he knew the great things he will do in life. Ladies, he is going to be THE catch, but be warned, I am VERY protective. It is strange for me to think of all the things I have watch him go through. Good times and very bad times, he has become a young man right before my eyes. Every day I am reminded how old I am when I think of how old he is getting. I wish I could make it stop!

This May also touches my heart for another reason, it is the last graduation I am not a part of. Tonight in chapter we had senior speeches. For the past three years I have listened to people I don't know cry about graduating and leaving their friends behind. This year, it was people I actually liked who were up their telling stories about their past four years. It is bittersweet to know that exactly one year from now I will be up their crying about leaving.

I don't feel old enough for this, I feel so young. I still feel like a naive little freshman wondering wide eyed around campus. It is hard to believe I have been here for three years, I am most definitely not the same person I was when I came here. Lessons have been learned and mistakes have been made, but all of it has made me into who I am. I don't want to grow up, I'd like to stay a kid forever, but unfortunately Never Never Land only exist in a Disney movie. When I realize how my life is slowly starting to fall into place, it creeps me out. I have watched my older brother find a girl and settle down (which I thought I would never see.) I have seen my little brother break out of his shell and become the best guy I know, who would have thought I'd look up to my baby brother one day? I have seen friends go and come and fall apart. I have been at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I have had my heart broken. I have found my bridesmaids. I have failed a class and I have made A's in classes. And who would have thought after three years of being the single gal I'd find a true Southern Gent to call my own? 

My life is falling into place whether I want it to or not. I could continue to pout about growing up and how I wish it would stop, but that would be wasting time. Instead, I am going to make the very most of the next year. I will go to football games even if it is monsooning outside. I will go to drink specials, just because. I will go out even if I have a test the next day. I will always answer the phone when a friend calls. I will continue to show up at my big bro's house without calling even though he yells at me because it's the only way I see him. I will call my baby bro to make sure he is alive and doing what he needs to be doing. I will make it a point to go see my cadet do all his funky military school stuff, because it is important to him. I will laugh as much as I can, cry when I need to and I will absolutely never hold anything back. 

Here's to my last year as a college kid.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Selective Hearing

As anyone in a relationship knows, there will be things about your significant other that bother you. If you disagree with that statement you are either single or lying. One thing about my new beau that tends to bother me is that whenever he gets on a roll talking about something, he doesn't stop. While this tends to bother me, I have to remind myself that I should be glad I am dating something who actually has something to say. I won't lie, he is a pretty smart fella. But I will say that I can have a very short attention span, I have a tendency to tune people out, whoops. So having a beau who likes to talk and a short attention span make for an interesting relationship. However, I did say he was smart, and he is, so sometimes he says something that makes my ears perk up. Sometimes he says things and it makes me want to grab a pen and write them down! Today, he said something that got to me so much, I am telling you about it. I'll be honest and say that I can't exactly remember the conversation we were having, or what was said before and after, but I do remember that today he said, "I can't promise you the world, but I can promise you me."

I have a hard time remembering that nothing and no one is perfect. I often beat myself up for not being a perfect person. I have to remind myself that perfection will never happen, I just need to let that go. It also doesn't help that I have a pretty close to perfect boyfriend, and I wonder every single day why on earth he thinks I am perfect too. But that's a different story. I realized that in relationships, people often get caught up in trying to be everything and give everything to the person they love. You want for them to be happy so you would literally do anything in the world for them. But the problem is, the world is not ours to promise. We have no control on anything that happens in this life. So while it is, of course, romantic for your beau to promise you the world, they are really just giving you false hope. So, when my ever so smart beau told me that he couldn't promise me the world, but he could promise himself to me, my heart melted.

Now, before I continue, let me just remind you that I never want to be that couple, you know, the ones you hate because they are so googley eyed over each other?

I appreciated his honesty. He realizes he can't promise me the moon and stars and everything under them, but he can (and has) promised himself to me. I know that he would give me the moon and the stars if he could, but let's be real, he can't So instead, he promises himself to me. It literally knocked the wind out of me and I realized that promising himself to me was worth more than any star in the sky. I don't need the world, I just need a promise of commitment. I don't need the world, what would I do with it anyway? I just need him. Who knew it could be so simple? You don't need a guy to promise you the moon, you don't need a guy who spends entirely too much money trying to impress you, those things won't last and in the long run, you won't remember them. But what does matter is that you have the other person, 100%.

I am learning as I go about this whole, how to be a girlfriend thing. While it is challenging, it is also fun. While I will never admit this to him, the boy is helping me learn more than he knows. So, just remember, you can't promise anyone the world, but you can promise yourself.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The new "B" word.... boyfriend.

After almost two weeks of being someone's girlfriend, I still am no where near used to it. Every time I have to say the words, "my boyfriend" I can't help but make a strange face as if the words taste terrible coming out of my mouth. It's not that I don't like it, it's that I can't believe it yet.

My older brother has grown tired over the past two years or so of my desperation, as he called it, for a boyfriend. In his eyes, it was all over my face that I wanted love (and an MRS. degree.) I didn't necessarily agree with him, but I also couldn't disagree. So needless to say, he is somewhat shocked that someone so desperate as me actually caught herself a man, and a decent one at that. He is definitely not the only one surprised. I knew I had done something right when he said, "This kid actually likes you... don't mess it up."

I relive those days over and over in my head, trying to figure out what the heck I could have done right? Better yet, what am I still doing right for him to be sticking around? I do not considering myself good at the role of The Girlfriend. After all the love and relationship books I have read, you would think I would be a pro at this? Believe me, I am equally surprised.

So after two years of playing the desperate girl praying each and every night for a man, I should be ecstatic? So why is it, that now that I have exactly what I have wanted, I can't stop playing the What If game.

This is a dangerous game because there are never winners. I go over every little detail in my mind, trying to figure out what he could possibly see in me, and then I always conclude that he must secretly be crazy. Mental instability is the only reason I can think of that I could land a catch like this. After hours of beating myself up and trying to figure out what I did to deserve this, I realized that he is not the mentally unstable one, it was me.

Here I was, trying to find a reason I didn't deserve to be happy, when I know for a fact that I do. I have had plenty of time to myself dreaming of the 'perfect guy' and wondering if there really was such a thing. I have always kissed more frogs than one ever should in a lifetime. I have done all the single girl things, and spent more time being a single girl than I had hoped. So now, in my lap fell Prince Charming and I can't stop trying to find a reason that it won't work. I keep trying to find his imperfections. Aside from the fact that he has the worst case of A.D.D. I have ever seen, I have failed to find any skeletons. I am wasting so much time trying to analyze this situation, and figure out how to 'not mess it up.' It's not like I wanted to find something that would bring an end to our relationship, I just have a hard time realizing that for once, something good has happened to me. A prayer has been answered and wishes came true.

It is time to stop trying to find reasons why I shouldn't get what I want and seeing all the reasons that I should. Happiness is being served on a silver platter, but I am too busy looking at other things to notice.

Note to self: Stop that.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

It finally happened.

If you read over my posts, there is a common theme of single-ness. It is no secret that I have been single for quite some time. I have written many, many times about my lack of a love life. I'd like to think my single status has been a great inspiration for many of my writings. Well, now I have a new source of inspiration that will change my writing completely. Instead of thoughts coming from a 20 something single girl, you guessed it, I am someone's girlfriend. I know, I am just as shocked as you are. I'm not used to the word "girlfriend" and probably won't be for quite some time.

How did this happen, who is he? Well, in February  I attended a convention for Republicans all across the country. For a few days I was lucky enough to fraternize with other conservatives. Needless to say, I was in my element. On the very first day, I (literally) ran into a cadet from my home state. I noticed his uniform and of course had to mention that I was from the great state of South Carolina as well. I got nothing more than his name before the Senator I was waiting to speak to came around the corner. That was that. The next night, a group of us went to dinner at a sushi place. The dinner literally took three hours so there was plenty of conversation time. Someone mentioned that a table near us was a group from South Carolina, naturally I had to go over. While chatting with some girls a guy at the end of the table shouted, "Hey, I met you yesterday." Um, you did? Because I am pretty sure I would have remembered meeting someone as good looking as you. But I played along. You guessed it, my cadet. We chatted for a while and the conversation ended in him taking my phone number. I still thought nothing of it because I was used to a guy asking for my number, and then never calling. I went on with my night without hearing from the cadet and forgot about it. The next night, my phone rang. It was my last night there, but we ended up going to dinner with a group and hanging out the rest of the night. I didn't assume to hear from him once I left for Alabama and he went to South Carolina. For some strange reason, he did keep in touch. I am not exactly sure what I did right, but apparently I did something because after a month of talking back and forth, I was no longer a single girl.

It is a strange feeling for me and I don't exactly think I am good at this whole girlfriend thing. Especially since I have gotten myself into a long distance relationship. It is still new and we are still learning about each other. We have a lot in common, after all it was our love of the GOP and South Carolina that brought us together. From now on, you can expect to be updated and I am sure you will enjoy me attempting to be a good girlfriend.

Follow the leader

Many of you probably think I have fallen off the face of the earth, truth is, I pretty much have. You see, I am in charge of my sorority's dance team. Now, if you are not a sorority girl you are probably laughing out loud right now, and I don't blame you. To anyone that is not involved in this "dance competition" you can't understand what it is. Therefore, I will not try to make you understand. The point I am shooting for it that this is my first leadership position. It is the first time that I have been in charge. I make the rules, I call the shots, it is all me. This is has quite the learning experience for me, I have grown a lot in the past few months. My entire life I have been a passive person, a people pleaser. I never was one to speak up or to take charge. This position has pretty much forced me to jump into the driver's seat and take the wheel. At first, it was hard for me to realize that I didn't have to ask permission from anyone, I was in charge. I made all the big decisions. As scary as this has been, I have proved to myself and others that I can do it. I have more than shocked myself in this process. I have learned so much about myself and others that I would otherwise never have. Although, I have learned that it is lonely at the top. When you put yourself in a leadership position, you are putting yourself in the line of fire. While you receive positive feedback, you will also receive negative feedback. My skin is 10 times as think as it was six months ago. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that there is a solution to every problem, you just have to find it. My entire life, when something has gone wrong I have looked to other people to fix it. Now, when things have gone wrong, everyone is looking at me waiting on me to fix it. At first, this was a terrifying thing. Now I have proved to myself that I can, in fact, solve problems. You have to know that things will not go as planned. You take things as they come, and deal with problems one at a time. Six months ago no one, including myself, thought I was capable of doing this job, six months later, the best reward is knowing that I have done a good job.