The new "B" word.... boyfriend.

After almost two weeks of being someone's girlfriend, I still am no where near used to it. Every time I have to say the words, "my boyfriend" I can't help but make a strange face as if the words taste terrible coming out of my mouth. It's not that I don't like it, it's that I can't believe it yet.

My older brother has grown tired over the past two years or so of my desperation, as he called it, for a boyfriend. In his eyes, it was all over my face that I wanted love (and an MRS. degree.) I didn't necessarily agree with him, but I also couldn't disagree. So needless to say, he is somewhat shocked that someone so desperate as me actually caught herself a man, and a decent one at that. He is definitely not the only one surprised. I knew I had done something right when he said, "This kid actually likes you... don't mess it up."


I relive those days over and over in my head, trying to figure out what the heck I could have done right? Better yet, what am I still doing right for him to be sticking around? I do not considering myself good at the role of The Girlfriend. After all the love and relationship books I have read, you would think I would be a pro at this? Believe me, I am equally surprised.

So after two years of playing the desperate girl praying each and every night for a man, I should be ecstatic? So why is it, that now that I have exactly what I have wanted, I can't stop playing the What If game.

This is a dangerous game because there are never winners. I go over every little detail in my mind, trying to figure out what he could possibly see in me, and then I always conclude that he must secretly be crazy. Mental instability is the only reason I can think of that I could land a catch like this. After hours of beating myself up and trying to figure out what I did to deserve this, I realized that he is not the mentally unstable one, it was me.

Here I was, trying to find a reason I didn't deserve to be happy, when I know for a fact that I do. I have had plenty of time to myself dreaming of the 'perfect guy' and wondering if there really was such a thing. I have always kissed more frogs than one ever should in a lifetime. I have done all the single girl things, and spent more time being a single girl than I had hoped. So now, in my lap fell Prince Charming and I can't stop trying to find a reason that it won't work. I keep trying to find his imperfections. Aside from the fact that he has the worst case of A.D.D. I have ever seen, I have failed to find any skeletons. I am wasting so much time trying to analyze this situation, and figure out how to 'not mess it up.' It's not like I wanted to find something that would bring an end to our relationship, I just have a hard time realizing that for once, something good has happened to me. A prayer has been answered and wishes came true.

It is time to stop trying to find reasons why I shouldn't get what I want and seeing all the reasons that I should. Happiness is being served on a silver platter, but I am too busy looking at other things to notice.

Note to self: Stop that.